Trust Issues

Its been a while since the last time I posted something on this blog site. I've been very busy this past years and the recent turn of events inspired me to post something.

Ok, I'm going to ask a simple question about Trust.

If your closest friends betrayed you, as in BETRAYED you, will you forgive them? Moreover trust them again?

I'll give you a situation, you have girlfriend and currently you're having an issue because someone has been texting her ~ courting her. One day you had a talk and you believed that everything is clear. When you left, the guy texted her if they can meet. She agreed wondering if the guy was real, she even asked her "friends" (your friend as well) if she should meet her on a date.

In short, your girlfriend went out on a date while you were surfing the net doing your thesis. The greatest sucker was your supposed "friends" were with her ~ going nuts and kilig when the guy gave your girlfriend a flower and treated them at semi-high end restaurant. Another sucker is that they declared to the world that they "like" the guys. FUCKERS. They even did a private chat on Facebook regarding the guy.

Ok, if you're the boyfriend, what will you do?

In my own opinion, the friends DONT RESPECT the girl's boyfriend. I mean, if they were really friends, somehow they corrected the girl's impulsive decision (maturity issues comes in.) You see, if you're a real friend you're supposed to offer CORRECTION and do not TOLERATE any wrong decisions or actions. Respect is different from BEING AFRAID TO BE CAUGHT UP IN A FIREFIGHT OR ISSUE because the end result will always be the same. You'll get blamed because you didn't do what you're expected to do.

And please, avoid imbecile posts in Facebook. Its a no brainer when you know you're friends with the boyfriend you cheered for the other guy.

MOTHERFUCKER

Rizal fanboys and girls promotes gaylinggo?

Sir Francis said, way back in the times of the Katipunan; Rizal's name was a taboo. Nobody was allowed to say his name or to talk about him or his kin... and the people in his time adored and loved him so much. Even in the strict prohibition, they found a way to mention him without being put to jail.


And that explains why we use the word "chorva" until now.

Sawa nang maging Pinoy...

Yeah, I know that I might end up with public beating but you know... Mr. Bob Ong is right about us Pilipino. I don't know how to start this and I don't know if anyone would waste time reading my rants about how .... we Pilipinos are. Yes. me too. Damay damay na nga siguro kasi pati ako nasama. I don't know much about the world and I know that my experience and my knowledge is very limited. I'm still young and still developing to become a better person someday so just let me do this just for once. Minsan lang naman ako mamintas. Hindi ba?

Yes. Medyo sawa na akong maging pinoy. Other than crab mentality (na ngayon ay may naiinggit sa akin kaya tinitira ako patalikod--bata lang kasi kaya hindi ko patulan. Hello K.A.M. 2nd Year English.) pagkareklamador na walang alam (gano'n ba ako?), irrational thinking, fondness of defense mechanism (psychologically speaking) and super katigasan ng ulo that always lead to something terrible or most of the time insane situation.


So there. What's wrong with us? About the Crab Mentality, sakit na raw natin 'yan? Tama ba 'yon? If we see someone in progress, hinahatak natin pababa. Behaviorally, mga pinoy daw loves equality. We love it so much na ayaw na nating may nakikitang nakaka-angat. Gusto natin pantay-pantay and by that Pilipinos mean that literally. So what happens. Until today, wala pa ring progress. Pag may nakaka-angat, gusto natin gano'n din tayo. E since not everyone is not so lucky or not that hardworking to gain something, hindi lahat nakaka-angat. Kaya 'yong mga walang magawa kungdi panuorin ang pag-angat ng iba ay may bago ng past time: Pull those people back. Para pantay na uli. Tirahan pa nga patalikod ang kalakaran diyan.

Rant part about school:

Just like this past year. Tinitira at sinisiraan ako ni K.A.M. telling ill things behind my back and for me, I just took it as a compliment. "Uy, may naiinggit sa akin! Yish!" The problem is I've tolerated him and he grew fond of doing that. It even caused a havoc through the class now. I've spoiled him rather than telling him what the fuck is wrong with him. Now, most of CAS 2nd year student hates him and I just discovered that they've hated him ever since they heard him saying ill things behind my back. Now that Mr. K.A.M noticed that, he said that "Isa lang ang naninira sa akin/atin."

That made me laugh. Who started anyways? I've never said or done anything offending to him. Ngayon baliktaran na pala? Mahirap talaga kapag spoiled ka na, mahilig ka pang magmarunong, naiinggit ka pa, ang sama pa ng ugali mo at isip bata pa na walang alam gawin ay mamasa ng sise sa iba. That person is still a boy and I think, all of us who know him thinks that he's not really worthy of the title man.

End of Rant part for school.

Ok, let's continue anyways. Mahilig tayong magreklamo. Wala naman tayong alam and 70% of those "activist" joining street march on a rally barely understand what's the rally for. I know. Only those people in front know what's happening and the 70% people behind got no idea of what they are yelling for and got beaten for. Nabubugbog sila ng mga batuta ng pulis sa rally pero hindi nila sigurado kung bakit sila sumali.

And another thing, nagiging defense mechanism na natin 'yong pagrereklamo. We yell in the streets ""Bulok ang gobyerno natin!" "Unano presidente natin!" "Puro magnanakaw pulitiko natin!" but have we forgotten that these government is the reflection of our own selves? Kung bulok man 'to, kagagawan natin 'to. Kung unano man presidente natin ngayon because we let her win our votes! Don't tell me nagkadayaan. These people responsible for dayaan are those people we helped to attain their current position. Puro magnanakaw pulitiko natin e hindi ba tayo rin naman ang bumoto sa kanila?

I know I'm committing the very same mistake I'm ranting about but I just want those people that reads this blog that we really got a problem. And that problem is us. Me. You. He. She. Them. They.

We criticize because unconsciously, people tend to use criticism as a scapegoat. Namimintas tayo kasi hindi natin mapintasan ang sarili natin. Kapag sinabi natin na babaero ang ibang lalake at lalake tayo, what we really mean is "babaero ako. Naiinis ako sa kaniya so siya na 'yong babaero. Hindi ako." (Hindi ba Mr. K.A.M.)


Another one is napaka-irrational nating mga pinoy. We don't think systematically that's why progress will just be a dream for us unless we start thinking logically and critically about our issues and problems. The problem is, kapag may inintroduce na bagong idea sa atin at bagong systema para mapabilis ang lahat, do'n pa rin tayo sa nakasanayan, dun sa bulok, dun sa basura at dun sa walang kakwenta-kwenta 80% of the time. And we hate this people who introduced as new refreshing way to deal with our issues and problems. Like BF. People hated him so much especially those sidewalk vendors. (Can't blame them at all, marahas din naman kasi 'yong demolition team ng MMDA)


So finally, ang katigasan ng ulo nating mga pinoy. We don't care much about the rules. Wag ka nang umangal coz if we do, probably we're now a progressive country like Singapore and other neighboring nation especially Japan. Look. May overpass na. May footbridge pa but we still want to cross the street where it is dangerous. Kasi madali daw. Katamaran lang ba talaga o bobo nga tayong pinoy sabi ng aking anitong si Bob. (na dinadasalan ko ang mga gawa niya na nakalagay pa sa altar.)

Actually, we don't care about the rule because a lot of us don't care too.
See this. A lot of students will cross the street the dangerous way if they saw people doing it too. Gagayahin natin kasi iniisip natin "ok lang, ginawa na nga niya e." But try this. Observe a person na walang makakasabay na mag jaywalking. Kita mo aakyat 'yan ng footbridge kasi nag-iisa siya. Point? Well, psychologically speaking, people tend to lose their identity to a crowd. Kapag maraming gumagawa nun, sige lang. Go lang. Marami naman kami e. mahuli man sama-sama kaming kakanta ng Lupang Hinirang (kung estudyante) O kaya magbabayad (kung hindi but I prefer singing the national anthem) Cognitively and behaviorally tested na 'yan. If we lose our identity we tend to do the things we won't be doing if our face is in public view.

"Hindi tayo kilala kaya gora lang ako mga bading."

'Yan, I recreated the test regarding aggression, I had four boys in a meeting room where one of them wears a mask and one of them wears a mascot costume so the slightest hint of his identity is hidden and the other two is in normal wear with their face expose. The guy in a mascot costume is a closet ghey and one of the normal clad guys is ghey too. The one in the mascot outfit acted more aggressively and expressed himself in gay linggo. That's enough proof for me that if we lose our identity, we do crazy things that are normally not expected to us.

Mag pinoy ganiyan. Beating the red light ang madalas mangyari hindi ba tsaka jaywalking. If we saw one of the vehicles beat the red light and there's no other vehicle passing by the other lane, we follow the beater. Culturally dependent na nga tayo ang hilig pa nating mang-gaya.

So there. if you want me out of the country, no problem. I'm planning to go abroad anyways. Though there's no place like home I'd rather say there's no place like Philippines. Everything is inverted. Try to read Miliminas by Milo Par Pamonag. That's one good story that reflects our society.

Ja ne~




P.S.

I started with myself. So if I came back from abroad, iba na talaga ako. May slang na pero gwapo pa rin~

I don't hate K.A.M. He hates me so he's an asshole. XD

Jologslandia

After several months of looking for something to make fun of I finally made up my mind regarding what to hit.

If you're living around Cainta area and you're quite near to ___. ____ east grand mall almost your whole life, I'm sure you've noticed the drastic change of that mall. I don't want to be so melodramatic on how it looked like some 10 years ago but I am very sure that the mall was invaded by Jologs. Before, seven to ten years ago, the mall was the pride of the east. I mean, if you're hanging out in that mall with nothing much to do then you're definitely in the norm.

Well before, people hanging around ___. ______ east grand mall were good looking people and well dressed people. Not to mention, normal looking people. Ok, what's the point? Try to roam around that mall in random days (preferably Saturdays or Sundays) you'll see a whole lot of jologs and those jologs looked like as if they were a member of some kind of gang or whatever.

You'll see three kinds of group there. (the jologs groups.)

1st are those emo type people clad in a tight all black outfit with bangs swept to the side of their face and freakish thick eye.... what do you call that make up for the eye? Eye liner? Yeah. That one.

2nd group of people are the Yo wasup, bitch? people. If I lost you, they were those youngsters in a "pilit" na "pilit" hip hop outfit; wearing thick jackets and whatever that falls under the category of hip hop that is terribly hot. Plain stupid aren't they? We're in the tropics yet they're such an asshole and wear those freakishly HOT outfit. By hot I mean that literally.

3rd group of people are the bitches in uniform. You know. High school girls with their quite small-semi fitted uniform blouse with quite longer skirts. And yeah, don't forget about their artistic bra design that you could see instantly the moment your eyes wanders lower. Yeah! The make up thing and their "kundoktor ng jeep" boyfriends.


I don't know how to end this entry so let me just share something in my mind tonight.





"Mahilig nga siya sa exotic!"

They WERE Roland and Mazhiel and We ARE Dylan and Azel

Angels do Exist.

"Hello." He greeted, standing next to me. I thought it was just another day but I bump with someone that has been the very reason for me to reanalyze things especially when falling in love.

"Whadup?" He jokingly asked then sat on the grass covered ground. He's always like this but I can't shake the feeling that this guy is not the same Roland I used to play with when we were little.

"Nothing. Call center sucks." I said, throwing a fretful glance at him. "You?"

"Been better." He replied. The usual sadness in his voice was gone and that familiar melancholic tone of his voice was replaced by utter cheerfulness. Cheerfulness that I have never seen in him.

"What's wrong? You're looking at me as if I'm an alien? Do I have a booger on my face?" He laughed and tugged me to sat with him. I can't help but laugh too so I did and sat down with him.

"You've changed." I said halfheartedly, throwing a stone far down the river banks. I don't know what happened to him but he changed. Changed that it was not the same aura he emanates whenever I'm around him.

"Me? Changed? Half yes and half no."

"Half no because you're still visiting this place."

He snorted and ran his fingers to his hair. His mannerism whenever someone hit the bull's eye. Of course I won't miss, the very reason why he visits this place is her and that's the ultimate truth. Its her. Not the ambiance. Its her not the scene. Its her not because we could see the building where we work in libis. Its her. Nothing more.

"And you're still the same Dylan. Major pain in the butt." He said, flipping the page of his familiar notebook and scribbling something on it. "By the way, aren't you going abroad this july?"

"Maybe. I don't know. If the work requires me, then so be it." Actually yes. I want to go abroad so I can escape the pain that I have been enduring for these past three years. I want to go somewhere far, far enough just to make me forget about Azel.

"Still hurt, I see." He chuckled. Then snapped his notebook to my face. "You're reminding me of my old self." He paused, shot his stare to the Gazebo on the other side of the river and continued, "the Roland that was consumed by pain, hate, anger and everything that isn't nice. In short bitter."

"Sino bang hindi magiging ganon? After the roadtrip, the blame is on you? I don't know, Kuya but I think both of us shares that ill-fated fairytale love story." I'm starting to feel the familiar searing pain within me. I wanted to cry but just can't. It seems like my tears have dried. I can't feel anything. Nothing. Nothing but pain. I don't know how to escape this malefice, the more I try, the more I can't move on. Para kang nasa kumunoy. Sabi nga ni Kuya, pwersahin mong umahon lalo kang lulubog. He's right. I'm sinking and I think the only person that can save me is Azel.

What happened. I asked myself. Then eyed him intently. I can't get it. Is this really him? As far as I can remember, he talks like the way I talk. Especially about this fucking thing we call love. Love that most of the time cause more agony than fulfillment.

He just chuckled and showed me his old, black 6600, showing Azel's number in his contact list. "Its her number right?"

"Where did you get that?"

"From the Guy up there?" He shot back, pointing to the sky. "Punchline is, I can help other people with their problem and gave them their dream solution but when it comes to my problem, I'm always out. Unfair but its okay." He then stood up and lifted his gaze up to the clear blue sky. "I've always wanted to talk to her but I think there wont be a chance anymore." The joy in voice faded only to be replaced by a sounding remorse. Whatever it was that made me listen was inexplicable.

"Gusto ko lang naman magsorry, and hope to God that we'll be able to pick up the things that we left. Specifically our friendship." His eyes went back to me. "Hindi naman talaga kami nagkaroon ng sarili naming oras, always on a haste just for her to make it home earlier."

"So you're blaming her?"

"Not really. I can't blame her of course. Both us have our own shares of faults in our relationship. The only thing that I want is for her to listen. She could hear my plea but I think she's not listening. Hearing is very different from listening."

"Fuck it ok, what's the point?"

"Nothing. I just want to release something." Then he chuckled. It was annoying of him but whatever it is that changed him must have been bigger than the pain she inflicted to him. Big enough to make this dumb ass happy again or seemingly happy, whatever.

"Ask me a question, I'll answer it." He said gesturing like dimwit T.V. host in front of me. "No, tell me your prayer, your ultimate concern and maybe I can make it happen."

"Don't mess with me, 'aight?"

"C'mon, there's no harm on trying."

"Fuck it, the last time I tried brought me here, with this freaking pain!"

"If you don't want to, okay." He said to me, his voice then was serious. "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Nah, its alright." He said, sitting down back next to me. "Always been dreaming of becoming an angel." He said, staring at the sky. "So I can forgive myself."

Silence.

He said nothing, so did I. Only the chirping of the bird and the leaves swaying with the wind were the only thing we heard. I don't know what happened but I told him what I'm praying for.

"I want her back, the way you wanted Mazhiel back a year ago."

He said nothing but a calm smile traced his lips.

"I'm having doubts already to God, I'm challenging Him these past years. I'm challenging Him if He is true, make her come back to me, and if she did comes back, I'll devout my whole life to God."

He looked at me with the usual "kuya look" in his eyes, as if assuring me that what I prayed for will be mine. Soon. As in later or tomorrow.

"You're lucky." He said, giving me his old notebook. "Read that."

I read his work and noted that this piece should be read by Azel.

http://furiuosdevilhunter.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2008/03/something_from_.html

"I wrote that when you know." He said, taking the notebook from me.

I heaved a tired sigh, memories of her came in a barrage. I don't really like it when her face came flashing before my very eyes.

"Are you really serious about challenging God?" He asked, like an arrow shot and landed directly to its mark, his question hit me.

"Yes, just make her come back to me."

"Well, good." He said, turning behind us. "That's good because she's here." He continued, standing up. I on the other hand didn't belied my eyes as a very familiar figure stood several paces away from us. It was Azel, with the usual timid look in her face.

"I'm outa here. God bless you two." Were Roland's last words before he left us.

From that moment on, I surrendered my whole life to God. Now I believe that angels do exist and everything is possible to God.

English

Now I know why other asian choose to learn english here in the philippines. Because Pilipino people are one of the best people in asia that could use english fluently and eloquently. Besides, if you haven't noticed that some signs in english (in asian countries nearby) really sucks and will drive you nuts.

For example, a warning in a train station in tokyo says something like..uhh? Just check it out, here's the link.

(Tinanggal ko kasi baka mademanda ako. Try niyo na lang maghanap sa engrish.)

Hindi na ako mag-e-english, baka mapintasan pa dahil namimintas pa ako. Next time na magtaka ka bakit sobrang daming singkit dito sa Pilipinas e alam mo na ang sagot. Nag-aaral silang mag-english. Tas babayaran lang tayo ng kakarampot. C'mon. Lalo na 'yong mga school institution na ginagawang libangan (profit source) ang mga "training-for-our-people-and-service-for-our-fellow-asians-who-suck-in-english" na 'yan e mag-isip isip.

6 8 12 Syndrome

I was really happy that night. It was cold, a sign that the holidays is coming. It was the very first time in times like this I felt very happy. I don't know, I'm just happy. Seems like everything was perfect for me that night. The wind, brushing against my auburn hair was alive yet cold. The moon was there, silently hovering above me. The flickering of merry Christmas lights went on as I let a veiled smile in my lips. I was about to sing for an occasion. But I didn't know what the hell I would sing in front of the whole family of my friend. Then, when I arrived, they gave me a copy of the song's lyrics...


Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you're awake,
Are you calling out for me?
Do you ever reminisce?
I cant believe I'm acting like this
I know its crazy
How I still can feel your kiss

Its been six months eight days twelve hours since
you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you,
I should know better but its not just the case
Its been six months eight days twelve hours since you went away

Do you ever ask about me?
Do your friends still tell you what to do?
Every time the phone rings
Do you wish it was me calling you?
Do you still feel the same?
Or has time put out the flame?
I miss you
Is everything okay?

Its been six months eight days twelve hours since
you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you,
I should know better but its not just the case
Its been six months eight days twelve hours since you went away

Its hard enough just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind
And where is the good in goodbye?
Tell me why, tell me why

Its been six months eight days twelve hours since
you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you,
I should know better but its not just the case
Its been six months eight days twelve hours since you went away

Sing it for me...



I sang the song well. Of course I'm a fan of Bryan Mcknight and besides, I'm familiar with almost of his songs.But I think its not my familiarity that brought the song well. Maybe because, once in my life, something happened to me that's very similar to the song's message. And I miss her so much and I don't know what to say.